While there are important questions to ask yourself when you’re deciding whether or not you’re ready to have a baby, psychotherapist and licensed clinical social worker Amanda Jurist, LCSW, emphasizes that there is no way to fully prepare and your life doesn’t have to be perfect. “Even if you have all of the parenting tools at your disposal, nothing can fully prepare you for the beautiful yet unknown mental, emotional, spiritual, physical shift and journey that you are about to embark upon when you become a parent,” she says. “Souls that are connected journey through a lifelong process of loving, learning and relearning one another. The best we can do is be as intentional and self-reflective as possible so that we are showing up to be the most present version of ourselves, one day, one hour, one moment at a time. This journey is about love, unconditional love.” Jurist says that the signs listed here—both of being ready and not ready—are not absolute “musts”; everyone’s parenting journey is different. But they are indicators worth considering and can be used for introspection.
Six Signs You’re Ready for a Baby
1. You’re emotionally prepared to deal with the highs and lows of parenthood
While you may daydream about holding a sleeping baby in your arms or introducing a child to all your favorite Disney movies, licensed marriage and family therapist Torie Wiksell, LMFT, says it’s important to remember that parenthood can also be challenging. “Parents who are emotionally ready to have a baby understand that this experience will require emotional growth and be challenging to navigate at times,” she shares. Wiksell says that it’s important that potential parents are able to be self-reflective, willing to reach out for support when they need it and ready to learn about healthy child development. She also says it’s important to be ready to work through emotionally challenging circumstances. This doesn’t mean becoming a parenting expert overnight, but it does mean you’re committed to continuing to learn. “Emotionally healthy parents recognize there is no finish line when it comes to being an emotionally healthy parent. It’s a journey that will last throughout your lifetime,” Wiksell says. Jurist adds that being ready to love a child unconditionally is also part of being emotionally ready: “[This] is the most important sign that one is emotionally ready to have a baby," she shares.
2. You’ve reflected on how you want to parent
While being ready to have a baby doesn’t mean knowing all the best parenting techniques, Wiksell recommends considering how you grew up and how you want your parenting style to look similar to and/or different from your own caregiver’s. “Parenting will bring to light both the healthy and unhealthy family dynamics you experienced growing up. It takes thoughtfulness and intentional effort to reflect on how the way you were parented affects you today in both positive and negative ways,” she says. “This reflection is a must if you intend to break unhealthy cycles and raise an emotionally healthy child.”
3. You’re able to regulate your own emotions
There are times when being a parent will make you feel angry or upset—no matter how much you love your child. Parenting is challenging. This is why Jurist says it’s important to be able to regulate your own emotions. “An ability to create emotional distance between what your child may be emotionally experiencing in order to respond to what they actually need in the moment [is important],” she explains. “This is a skill that will continue to develop over time, however, a healthy level of emotional distance is necessary to navigate the many twists and turns in parenting so that the parent-child relationship doesn’t become enmeshed.” Jurist reiterates that it’s okay if you don’t have this completely mastered yet, but a willingness to grow emotionally in this way is key.
4. If you’re in a romantic relationship, both partners are committed to creating a safe and healthy home
Ideally, Jurist says that a couple deciding whether or not to have a baby is secure in their commitment to each other, communicates well and is aligned in terms of parenting styles and roles. Being committed to providing a safe and healthy home to the child is also important. If you’ve avoided having tricky conversations with your partner (such as about money, parenting roles or concerns in the relationship), Wiksell suggests that now is the time to be open and honest. “If you notice that your expectations and those of your partner conflict, try to talk through potential compromises and explain your thought process behind your expectations,” she recommends. “While life changes and expectations of one another may shift throughout your child’s life, it is important to be on the same page as to what the expectations are and how you can work together to adapt as they shift,” Wiksell stresses. She recommends meeting with a couples therapist if these conversations are particularly challenging for you and your partner.
5. If you’re single, you have people in your life who can serve as a support system
If you aren’t in a relationship and are considering parenthood, both therapists recommend thinking about who in life can serve as your support system. Who will you call when you’re sick but still need to care for your child? Who will you turn to for emotional support? Who will celebrate your child’s milestones with you? “The saying ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ definitely has some truth to it,” Wiksell admits. “It’s important to identify who that village is and what adults in your life you can rely on for support with different aspects of parenting.”
6. You’re able to take care of yourself
If you are already struggling to meet your own basic needs, deciding if you’re ready to have a baby takes especially careful consideration. “In a best-case scenario, a person would logistically benefit from having a safe home, steady income, familial or community support, access to suitable health care, and access to resources for mental and emotional support as you navigate the various phases of parenting,” Jurist shares. If you don’t have a steady income, safe home, access to healthcare and support from others, it can be helpful to think about what you can do to work towards meeting these needs. There may be resources available in your community that you don’t know about yet.
Three Signs You’re Not Ready To Have a Baby
1. You only want a baby because they’re cute
“If you find yourself primarily preoccupied with the perks of being a parent—things like baby showers and Disneyland trips—I would challenge you to consider how you feel about navigating the not-so-fun times which are guaranteed to happen,” Wiksell says. While it’s great to look forward to special parenting moments, they are only one part of what it will actually be like.
2. You want to have a baby because your friends are all already parents
It can be challenging to be the only friend in your social circle who can’t chime in on potty training or daycare, but Jurist warns this is not a good reason to have a baby. Your friends’ timelines or choices don’t have to be your own and in the end, this decision will impact your life, not theirs. “Deciding to have a baby should be a decision you make for yourself, not one you decide to take on because there is pressure from your parents, partner, co-workers, friends or anyone else in your life,” Wiksell explains.
3. You believe it will keep your relationship together
If you and your partner are in a rocky place and you think having a child will bring you closer together, Jurist recommends reconsidering. She says that a baby will not ensure commitment and it also doesn’t mean that your partner will love you unconditionally. Work on or reevaluate your relationship first and then reconsider the idea of having a baby when you’re in a less strenuous place. There isn’t one universal answer to the question about being ready to have a baby or not. It varies greatly by individual. “Having a baby is an exciting experience and it’s one I wish more people made mindfully,” Wiksell says. “As parents, we have a huge responsibility to help our kids grow into healthy humans, and in order to do that, we must look at our own upbringing and ways of viewing and responding to life head on.” Next up, find out what 15 habits happy caregivers swear by.
Sources
Torie Wiksell, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapistAmanda Jurist, LCSW, psychotherapist and licensed clinical social worker
