“We often do not talk about miscarriages, and many people go through this process in isolation. It is a loss and everyone will have their own grieving process,” says Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. “We may not know how to support someone during this difficult time and that is okay. It is important to keep in mind that while we may want to be supportive, we may need to consider what we say to someone who just had a miscarriage.” If someone you know had a miscarriage and you want to provide comfort, there are many things you should not say.
What not to say to someone who had a miscarriage
“At least you weren’t that far along.”
Whether it’s eight weeks or eight months, a loss is still a loss. “Trying to minimize the loss to the woman seems like it might help, but it makes them feel you have indeed minimized their loss,” Dr. Gail Saltz, Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the NY Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of medicine and host of the“How Can I Help?" podcast from iHeartRadio, explains. “Instead, saying ‘I’m sorry this is so painful’ shows them empathy and allows them to get the support of the pain they do have."
“You can try again.”
This takes away from the depth of what is happening. “Again, you are trying to be upbeat and have them move on, but they need to grieve and feel ready or not to one day try again,” Dr. Saltz explains. “Saying this just feels like a push to dismiss the loss of now. Also, another child will never replace the one they lost. Instead say ‘take the time you need to process this loss.’”
“You’ll get over it.”
Many women never get over this type of loss. “For some women, they never ‘get over it,’ but rather accept it and it always remains a painful loss. Instead, say ‘I am here for you to support you and listen.’ In struggling with the loss, having people open to being comforting and listening and understanding without rushing them to just get over it is most helpful,” Dr. Saltz states.
“Did you do something you weren’t supposed to?”
This is accusatory and insensitive. “You may wonder why it happened, but inquiring implies blame in some way and many women wrongly feel guilty for the loss they had zero control over, so do not reinforce this destructive guilt,” says Dr. Saltz. “Instead say ‘you need to take care of yourself, physically and mentally, and I can help you’ and then you can, with dinners, texts of support, or a hug.”
“You’ll be fine in a few days.”
There isn’t a set time to process this kind of loss. Each person grieves differently. “Everyone will go through their own process in their own way and in their own time. We do not know if someone will be okay in a few days and this can be invalidating of what the person is experiencing,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa explains. “It may also give an unrealistic expectation of what grieving can look like for someone.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
Experiencing this kind of loss is hard to process and what you say should reflect that. “This response is well-intentioned, but invalidates and minimizes the experience of parents dealing with the loss of a child—no matter the stage of life,” says Jennifer Vandegriff, LCSW, licensed therapist in Mesa, Arizona In an attempt to put the loss into perspective, you lose the bigger picture of the life parents imagine for themselves and their child.
“At least you already have kids.”
This is another invalidating statement. “If you are struggling with how to help, simply say, ‘I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’m here when you are ready to talk,’ can be so supportive,” Vandegriff explains.
“So many women miscarry and are able to have children.”
Again, this is minimizing the loss. “It does not allow the woman to have space to grieve,” says Angela Ficken, Boston-based psychotherapist. “Perhaps she doesn’t want to try again or feels afraid to even think about that right now, or was told difficult news by her doctor.”
“It just wasn’t meant to be.”
Sometimes it’s better just to listen. “When a friend is in emotional pain, we want to make them feel better, and oftentimes that means we say things to try and help them ‘get over it’ faster,” Ficken explains. “If you feel a need to ‘cheer up’ your friend, try to resist it. Being a friend isn’t always about trying to stay positive. Sometimes it’s about sitting next to your friend and holding them in their pain."
“You’ll get pregnant again in no time!”
This statement doesn’t acknowledge the painful emotions this person is experiencing. “While it makes sense that you want to offer hope for the future, this phrase can come across as dismissive of the person’s current pain (and may not be accurate for those whose preganancy/miscarriage led to medical complications),” says Nikki Press, PsyD., a clinical psychologist. “Instead say, ‘I can imagine this feels so hard right now. Do you want to talk about it?’”
“It’s better this way because the baby would have suffered.”
This fails to provide comfort. “While it’s true that many miscarriages occur due to a medical complication in the fetus, to say that ‘It’s better this way’ belittles what would have obviously been the best outcome: a healthy baby,” Press explains. “Instead try, ‘I’m sorry for your loss. I am sending you my love and support.’
“Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”
Although there are good intentions behind this statement, it’s too vague. “Offering your help is a wonderful gesture, however, it can feel hard for someone in the midst of a loss to think of what they need and reach out,” says Press. “Instead try, ‘I’d like to bring you dinner this week. What night would be best?’
“Now you know you can get pregnant."
This is a misguided attempt to look on the bright side. With a loss like this, there really isn’t a positive aspect. “When we are speaking to someone who is experiencing loss or tragic circumstances it is often uncomfortable for us,” says Samantha Kingma, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist at Rest + Renew Therapy. “It is natural to want to shift the discussion toward something more future-oriented or hopeful—this gives us a sense that we have some control in an otherwise very disorienting and out-of-control situation. However, asking about when she may try to have another child again is assumptive—this assumes that she is ready to think about future children.” This phrase also overlooks the reality that your friend lost a child, and while the hope of having other children in the future may feel positive eventually, the joy that those future children may bring will not undo the pain of losing this child, Kingma adds.
Saying nothing
It’s totally understandable to worry about saying the wrong thing, but saying nothing is worse. “I realize that when seeing a list of things ’not to say’ it can be easy to decide to just not say anything at all,” Kingma states. “The truth is that silence can be an incredibly painful means of communication—it may imply that you don’t notice your friend, you don’t care about what she’s going through, or you aren’t available for support.” Next, read 101 quotes about miscarriage, rainbow babies, and more in honor of pregnancy and infant loss awareness day.
Sources
Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation Media AdvisorDr. Gail Saltz, Associate Professor of Psychiatry at the NY Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of medicine and host of the “How Can I Help?" podcast from iHeartRadioJennifer Vandegriff, LCSW, licensed therapist in Mesa, ArizonaAngela Ficken, Boston-based psychotherapistNikki Press, Psy.D., clinical psychologistSamantha Kingma, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist at Rest + Renew Therapy
